Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it had tried to contact us.
            Calvin and Hobbes


Indecision is the key to flexibility.

You can't judge a book by it's cover but you can tell how much it will cost.
 

It is now proven beyond a doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
 

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down.
 

Beauty is in the behind of the beholder.
 

Dear Son:
I'm writing this as slow as I can because I know you don't read too fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your Father read in the paper that most car accidents happen within 10 Miles of your house, so we moved. I can't send you the address because the last family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine but the first day I put in 4 shirts and pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since. It only rained twice last week, three days the first time and four the second time.
About that winter coat you wanted me to send you. Aunt Peg said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons so I cut them off. You'll find them in the pockets. Your sister had a baby this morning but I don't know if it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle George fell into a whiskey vat at work and drowned. Some men tried to save him but he fought them off. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Aunt Peg is knitting you socks. She would have sent them by now but I'd told her that you'd grown another foot since she saw you last, so she's knitting you another one.
I would have sent you some money but I have already sealed the envelope.
            Write soon
            Love Mom
 

Against the assault of laughter, nothing stands.
            Mark Twain
 

I rely on my personality for birth control.
            Liz Winston
 

Never argue with a fool. Someone watching may not be able to tell the difference.
 

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
 

All jobs are easy to the person who doesn't have to do them.
            Holt's Law
 

'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
            Samuel Johnson
 

Laughter is a balm for the afflicted, the best defence against despair, the only medicine for melancholy.
 

The reason many people are lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
 

Somebody posted this on the internet saying it was a real warranty document on a Hard Drive purchased in Louisiana:

Important! Read This Before Using Your New Device

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give
you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy
it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

Please for god's sake read this owner's manual carefully before you unpack the
device. You already unpacked it, didn't you? You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned
it on and fiddled with the knobs, and now your child, the same child who once shoved a
polish sausage into your videocassette recorder and set it on "fast forward",
this child also is fiddling with the knobs, right? We might as well just break these devices right at the factory before we ship them out, you know that?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting
back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently
bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally
tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK?

Now let's talk about:

1. Unpacking the device

The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like
nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

Please inspect the contents carefully for gashes or Ida Mae Barker's engagement
ring, which she lost last week, and she thinks maybe it was while she was packing devices.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole
thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when
he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
"Barker", if you get our drift.

Warning: do not ever as long as you live throw away the box or any of the
pieces of styrofoam, even the little ones shaped like peanuts.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one
single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph
Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should contain:

Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "Warning"
A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
    club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
You will need to supply: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

If anything is damaged or missing: You immediately should turn to your
spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all
the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul?
Because nobody cares, that's why."

Warning: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. Plugging in the device

The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical
industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from
causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the
Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious
Figurines Made of Chocolate.
Do not try to plug it in!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and
clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

Warning: When You Are Laying The Plug On The Floor, Do Not Hold A Sharp Object
In Your Other Hand And Trip Over The Cord And Poke Your Eye Out, As This Could Void The
Warranty.

3. Operation of the device

Warning: we manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual working
central parts of the device are manufactured in Japan. The instructions were translated by
Mrs. Shirley Peltwater of accounts receivable, who has never actually been to Japan but
does have most of "Shogun" on tape.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something)
earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such
rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

4. Warranty

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those
certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and
malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during
which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse
it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

Only you can give others the impression that you’re an idiot.
 

Adam came first, but then men always do.
 

Girls got balls.  They're just a little higher up, that's all.
            Joan Jett
 

 

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